Something interesting happened near the end of last year. I started taking improv classes.

Now, this isn’t totally unprecedented. In days of yore, I teamed up with my high school pals to film various sketch comedy bits. Characters such as Lotus, Gerald, and the Tag Ripper Foot Soldier would leave a lasting impression on all who witnessed them. But as high school gave way to college—and college gave way to meandering in an okay job, and meandering gave way to more college, and more college gave way to actual quasi-fun jobs—I ceased participating in such endeavors.

Alas I am now back, doing what I do 10th best (rough estimate). As an Alchemy player, I have had a blast getting on stage with hilarious people and making audiences pass out from laughter (also a rough estimate). But we must always maintain a keen awareness of history—the history of sketch comedy at its best. It is with this reverent attitude that some fellow Alchemists and I recently held our first annual Sketch Comedian Fantasy Draft.

Such an undertaking should not be taken lightly. Well, actually it totally should. But the ground rules were that each comedian had to have written or performed regularly on a televised sketch comedy show. We employed the snake draft method (wherein the draft order is reversed each round) to ensure optimum fairness. Here are the final rosters of our seven teams, with overall pick numbers in parentheses and my team in bold.

Jen

1. Mike Myers (1)
2. Adam Sandler (14)
3. Molly Shannon (15)
4. Chris Parnell (28)
5. Eric Idle (29)
6. Billy Crystal (42)
7. John Candy (43)
8. Louis C.K. (56)

Andy

1. Jim Carrey (2)
2. Dan Akroyd (13)
3. Gilda Radner (16)
4. Rob Schneider (27)
5. Conan O’Brien (30)
6. Wayne Brady (41)
7. Jamie Foxx (44)
8. Goldie Hawn (55)

Brade

1. Chris Farley (3)
2. Norm MacDonald (12)
3. Phil Hartman (17)
4. John Cleese (26)
5. Kristen Wiig (31)
6. Bruce McCulloch (40)
7. Chris Rock (45)
8. Shemp Howard (54)

Joe

1. Bill Murray (4)
2. Eddie Murphy (11)
3. Rick Moranis (18)
4. Jimmy Fallon (25)
5. David Spade (32)
6. Bob Odenkirk (39)
7. Harold Ramis (46)
8. Chris Kattan (53)

Miguel

1. Amy Poehler (5)
2. John Belushi (10)
3. Dave Chappelle (19)
4. Michael Palin (24)
5. Bobby Lee (33)
6. Dave Foley (38)
7. Cheri Oteri (47)
8. Richard Pryor (52)

Griffin

1. Chevy Chase (6)
2. Dana Carvey (9)
3. Andy Samberg (20)
4. Kel Mitchell (23)
5. Kenan Thompson (34)
6. Justin Timberlake (37)
7. Jon Lovitz (48)
8. Horatio Sanz (51)

Andrew

1. Will Ferrell (7)
2. Darrell Hammond (8)
3. Damon Wayans (21)
4. Tina Fey (22)
5. Tracy Morgan (35)
6. Tim Meadows (36)
7. Kevin Nealon (49)
8. Will Forte (50)

The draft elicited more than its fair share of analysis, kudos, and head-scratching. As solid as our first round picks were, one can certainly call into question such picks as Justin Timberlake, Conan O’Brien, and Horatio Sanz (each for different reasons). These technicalities are due to the fact that each performer was graded on their overall career efforts, not only for the sketch show that qualified them for the draft. (The fact that Sanz was drafted at all, however, can be attributed to the fact that his owner was unable to come up with a pick of his own.)

Our draft results were later submitted to an impartial third-party judging panel (named “Ben”) who decided that the strongest roster was—wait for it—MINE. Join me as I wallow in victory, and feel free to provide your own critiques of our teams. We are well aware of some of the high-profile funny people who are still in the free agent pool, such as Carol Burnett, Martin Short, Julia Sweeney, Chris Elliott, Ben Stiller, and the unclaimed Kids in the Hall. But hey, we did pretty well considering nobody had a cheat sheet—which, when you think about it, is in the true spirit of improv.